blog where im still a sad ass but this time theres nice things

ill try be less depressing today lol

i may have completely given up at school but recently ive gotten into writing kinda, something happened to my head about 3 years ago and i find it hard to picture things in my head now so not being able to day dream or be creative has been an issue for me since, and ive never been interested in reading or writing up untill now. i feel like its the only thing i have left to get the things i wanna spin in my head like a microwave out so i can spin them, im still shit at it ofc but like its nice to do these things again because day dreaming has been a source of comfort for me ever since i was a kid

im also having alot of luck socially now too, i havent had this many people i talk to in so long, yeah i still feel hella alienated and paranoid but ive like 4 people i speak to now and its nice. still that guy in my computer class scares me, i can completely open my self up to him while he does too to me and it scares me so much, hes so cool and nice, i still feel like im tricking myself somehow with how much i kinda... look up to him?? thinking hes trustworthy cus of that, again im incredibly delusional and paranoid so it might just be that. both me and him have so many problems in common, and i do want to talk to him more and more but again, The Devil says hes using me... do you ever feel like you want to look after someone and have someone trust you but it never getting past being platonic? it feels like that, i just want someone to trust me again, its hard since i lost all the people who i thought trusted and loved me. its dumb i know, and this guy knows about this page here and im deathly scared he will read these and stop talking to me.

the other guy at my bus stop, he talks to both computer class boy and another one of my friends, ive started talking to him more, and everything he says might be a sex joke but hes kinda good craic so why should i complain, hes normally around another guy, i dont really know him but hes on my bus too, he also makes sex jokes alot, often at my expense, but ig thats what i get for looking the way i do and being around teenage boys...

my boyfriend currently has a cold but i wanna see if i can come over and watch movies with him or something if his parents let me, i dont think i wanna socialise outside school for now, it feels like too much, all i really need is his attention and the gay people in my phone to keep me from locking myself away from the world completely. recently ive been getting alot of "wow youre 17???"s from people, and i know its cus i look so young, im short and i act like a kid too often, but it kinda upsets me that its that way, people get weird when i say my boyfriend is 18 untill i say im 17, its uncomfortable knowing people think that im a child

i have really nothing else to add, ive been eating alot of leftover pizza lately and its the best thing ive had ever, i kinda wanna bring my boyfriend out to dinner tho, its been ages since i ate out of went on a date with him, so that would be nice