i feel old yet more a child than ever

next year im the big scary 18, im now a senior in school n i have to do shit for leaving cert, i actually have to worry about being the wrong age to see any pediatricians that ive already been on the list for for about 1 n a half years... i have to worry about shit like money now and travel, i have a boyfriend i gotta implement into my life now too

yet regardless all that i feel more like a child than ive ever felt in the past few years, maybe its because things are finally going ok-ish and i can calm down more and can drop the needing to grow up faster stuff the past few years has taught me, im getting into plushies, im watching cartoons again, im drawing ponies and cats and love hearts all over my books, im dressing more masculine but i still look younger.

maybe im infantilising myself, maybe im just letting myself do my own thing without worrying, who cares, ive only got one more year to be a kid and maybe thats what i wanna do